Fixing problems with your dating approach is actually easy. Its identifying what those problems are that’s the hard part.
Are you going on lots of second and third dates? Are you enjoying dating? Do you feel like you’re moving closer to finding your relationship?
If your answer to any of the above questions is ‘no’, ‘maybe’ or even ‘not sure’, be sure you’re not making these 8 accidental dating mistakes:
- Too (late): arriving late, especially on a first or second date, sends a message to your date that your time is more valuable than theirs. Which is great, because you’ll have plenty of spare time on your hands if you keep arriving late to your dates.
- Out of focus: if you’re a busy single or professional, you probably spend most of your day juggling multiple tasks. But when you’re on a date with someone you like, your best bet is to be entirely focused on them, and them alone.
- Wrong place: you may have a couple of ‘go-to’ date places you like, because you feel most comfortable there. But ask yourself the following question: ‘what would be the best date location for my date partner?’ When in doubt, ask them where they’d like to go.
- Wrong time: finding the right time for your date is just as important as finding the right date spot. If you’re both busy, consider avoiding weekday lunch dates – it’s often too hectic and can end up feeling like a business meeting. Consider after work drinks dates, or weekend lunches or brunches.
- Be nice (to everyone): with the pressure of a first or second date, it’s easy to forget the basics sometimes. Be considerate & polite with your date and, equally importantly, with the wait staff at the restaurant.
- Dropping the ball: as Professional Matchmakers, one of the most frustrating dating problems we see is when two people like each other, and have a great date (or two) but simply let things ‘fall through the cracks’ and don’t follow through. Don’t be a sad dating statistic – when you’ve met someone you like, make it happen.
- Waiting for them to make the next move: likewise, don’t always assume the other person will make the next move after your first date. If you like him or her, reach out the next day to say thanks and suggest a second date. Or better yet, if things are going well on your first date, propose a second date right then and there.
- Dating is a system… Not!: in today’s online dating-app world, dating can start feeling like a second job – swiping photos and profiles with no results; or going on date after date that leads nowhere. If you’re feeling like this, take a break from online dating for a while – or try some new methods (hire a matchmaker, attend some singles-themed events, etc.). Unlike other parts of your life, dating doesn’t work if you’re just ‘mailing it in’.
You’ve met someone new and you’re on a date, and things are going great. Then, all of a sudden, your date asks for the check and heads for the exit – never to be heard from again.
What happened you ask? Well, maybe your date lost interest because of something you said or did – even though you didn’t realize it at the time.
Sometimes, you say things that mean one thing to you – but send an entirely different message to the person you’re with. Here’s 5 chemistry-killing phrases you should avoid at all cost:
- “I’m so busy”: you may be busy, or you may just want your date to think you’re busy (or important) – but saying this phrase sends your date a clear message that you’re just not that into them – whether that’s what you actually mean or not.
- “Vancouverites are unfriendly”: it’s true, Vancouver has the reputation of being an unfriendly city – which may or may not be true. But what’s certainly true is that by telling your date this, they’ll think you’re referring to them as well. Insulting someone on a date (intentional or otherwise) may be the single greatest chemistry killer of all.
- “Umm…”: sometimes when you’re nervous, or just not being self-aware, you say ‘umm’ a lot. Whatever funny or intelligent things you may be saying, all your date likely hears is the ‘Umms’.
- “What are you looking for?”: asking someone you’ve just met what they’re looking for in a relationship partner kills chemistry on a few different levels – first, it turns your date into an interview (ie. not sexy at all); it also gives your date the impression that you’re not really into them. Assume what they’re looking for is you, then make them sure of it by the end of your date.
- “I’m still single because…”: you may be trying to explain what a great catch you really are, but this phrase sounds defensive – and also gives your date the impression that their being single means there’s something wrong with them too. Be a great date, and leave the distinct (unspoken) impression that you’re still single because you haven’t met them until today!
If you’ve been single for a while, it’s hard not to be frustrated with the Vancouver dating scene. Seems like everyone is either married, or busy swiping online dating profiles on their phone.
But dating success is actually closer than you think – in fact, it boils down to a few simple ‘rules’. Learn these rules and you’ll find yourself meeting fantastic, compatible singles in no time at all – here they are!
- Rule #1: Photos are not people. With smartphones and social media its easier than ever to judge people based on their photo – don’t. Many people, maybe even the perfect match for you, look better in person.
- Rule #2: Chemistry works in mysterious ways. You’d be surprised how many marriages & relationships we’ve created for couples over these 13 years that weren’t overly excited about meeting each other at first. Likewise, there’s plenty of matches that looked perfect on paper but fizzled in real life. Focus on meeting people in person before deciding if they’re right for you. Period.
- Rule #3: Look below the surface. The things the truly connect you with someone for the long term aren’t always visible on the surface. Personality, values, sense of humor, family… avoid the superficial and you’ll find something real.
- Rule #4: The Wayne Gretzky Rule Of Dating. Gretzky famously said “I don’t go to where the puck is, I go where its going to be.” Translated into dating speak: “Don’t just pursue singles that everyone is looking at, look for the quiet, hidden gems that may have been overlooked by others. Sometimes the best quality singles you’ll meet in person aren’t great at “dating” or self-promotion, and they don’t use social media.
Matchmakers will tell you this about successful relationships: communication means more than immediate physical chemistry. Ideally, you want both, but finding someone with whom you can communicate openly with SIGNIFICANTLY increases the chances of a successful match.
But, above all else, AVOID these four “relationship killing” communication traits (Source: John Gottman, PH.D.):
- Criticism: complaints are fine. Criticism is more global — it attacks the person, not their behavior. They didn’t take out the garbage, not because they forgot, but because they’re a bad person.
- Contempt: “…name-calling, eye-rolling, sneering, mockery, and hostile humor. In whatever form, contempt – the worst of the four horsemen – is poisonous to a relationship because it conveys disgust. It’s virtually impossible to resolve a problem when your partner is getting the message that you’re disgusted with him or her.”
- Defensiveness: “…defensiveness is really a way of blaming your partner. You’re saying, in effect, ‘The problem isn’t me, it’s you.’ Defensiveness just escalates the conflict, which is why it’s so deadly.”
- Stonewalling: tuning out. Disengaging. This doesn’t just remove the person from the conflict, it ends up removing them, emotionally, from the relationship.
As your New Year begins, its time to focus on what’s most important: your health, family & friends and – of course – your love life!
If you’re single to start the New Year, here’s how dating will be different in 2017: less dating apps, more real connections.
But how can you stand out from the crowd and meet your true match? By doing this one simple thing:
- “Be Truly Engaged On Your Date.”
- Why?: over the past 5 years, far too much of the dating scene has been focused on QUANTITY of dates. This is largely due to free online dating and dating apps – which have grown exponentially in popularity in recent years.
- This sounds like a good thing, and in some ways it is – more people online means more profiles to search. But here’s the problem – as the number of online profiles has grown, so has the effort required to actually meet matches that are right for you. If you’re a busy single or professional, this means that finding your special someone without spending all of your time online has become HARDER, NOT EASIER.
- So, what to do?: the key to successful dating in 2017 is less focus on QUANTITY of dates, and more focus on QUALITY of dates.
- Sounds great, but how?: here’s a few simple steps:
- Avoid dating exclusively on dating apps (or, ideally, delete your dating apps – at least for a few months), or at least be more selective with who you meet.
- Prioritize dating methods that will allow you to meet people in person – in addition to being a better way to tell if someone’s right for you, it’s also a lot more fun & will expand your social circle.
- Most importantly, when you’ve met someone new and you’re on a first date – be truly engaged on your date. Forget about your last date (or relationship), your job stress, your next date (in fact, avoid setting up anymore dates until you’ve made every effort to make the date you’re on successful). Be interested, ask engaging questions, share interesting stories – be fun! Commit to seeing someone a 2nd or 3rd time – make time and follow through. Plan for dating success, and dating success will soon follow.