If your dating life’s not going well, there can be many reasons. One of them might be you.
No-ones perfect (in life or in love), but there are some simple – and fixable – dating mistakes that may be ruining your chances of finding a lasting relationship.
Before you throw in the towel on finding true love, try fixing these 10 common dating mistakes! (Source: S. Lebowitz, Dr. T. Orbuch, PhD)
- Bad self-care habits: examples include bad breath, body odor, terrible hygiene, and lack of etiquette. They turn people off because they seem simple to attend to or address. It doesn’t take that much effort to have good hygiene. And people infer that the bad self-care habits infer something about the person’s habits in a relationship.
- Criticizing or trying to control the other person: people don’t like being told what to do, particularly at the beginning of a relationship – in general people are attracted to the opposite — positivity, optimism, and giving compliments!
- Emotional neediness: we don’t like constantly having to support someone who’s not available to support us.
- Emotional reactivity: we don’t like walking on eggshells, worried we’re going to accidentally set someone off.
- Poor grammar: surveys suggest grammar is one of the first things people use to judge a potential date. Bad grammar suggests that a potential partner has had less schooling and may not value education.
- Low self-confidence: the same surveys found that people also take into account a potential date’s self-confidence. Those with little self-confidence are likely to be anxious, perhaps even less mentally stable.
- Bad teeth: men and women with bad teeth advertise a poor diet, maybe even poor health.
- Self-absorption: people who think only of themselves and lack interest in other people tend to make poor relationship partners because they don’t care about the other person’s feelings. They’re also inconsiderate and selfish in bed.
- Extreme negativity: especially in the early phases of a relationship, we need to share positive, mutually fulfilling experiences. If one partner makes exclusive use of a relationship as a dumping ground for bad feelings, the other person has little reason to hold on.
- Contempt: research tells us that contempt in a marriage is the biggest predictor of divorce. Contempt is the opposite of kind. Being contemptuous is like pouring acid on love, and kills relationships.
Are you ready for a relationship but tired of looking? If so, here’s some advice: stop searching & start finding.
‘Sounds great!’ you say, but how? The secret is to focus less on external factors (that you can’t control), and more on internal factors that you CAN control.
Here’s 5 ways to make your next relationship come to you:
- Be the person you want to meet: its easy to focus on all the qualities you’re looking for in someone, but who’s to say they’ll be into you once you do meet them? Think of the most important qualities you’re seeking (active, has their life together, well read, etc.) – next step: adopt those qualities!
- More give, less take: instead of approaching your dates with a selfish mindset (ie. they need to fulfill ‘x, y, z’ criteria, etc.), try this instead: make every effort to ensure your dates enjoy themselves & feel good about themselves after they’ve met you. It may not lead to an immediate relationship, but its a pretty good start.
- Hire a professional: if you’re too busy or just not meeting the type of people you consider relationship potential, consider hiring a professional matchmaking service like Executive Search Dating. You wouldn’t buy a house without some professional help, so why does finding a life-partner always have to be ‘do-it-yourself’?
- Word-of-mouth: the most powerful type of marketing is ‘word of mouth’ marketing. Put this to work for your love life: let your friends & acquaintances know you’re single & open to meeting someone new. Hint: this works better when you’re a good friend to have (if you’re not, maybe its time you fixed that?).
- Don’t boil the ocean: in today’s dating app world, its easy to feel like you have to be ‘on the search’ 24/7. Our advice: Don’t be – its a trap. Spending all of your free time clicking and swiping can often lead to dating burnout, or worse yet dating frustration – which means you won’t be at your best when you do meet someone who’s a great fit for you. Put away your smartphone & try some new methods of meeting people (activities, cooking classes, music & art festivals, etc.). Don’t just focus on meeting single people, couples know single people too & are often ‘on the hunt’ for quality singles to match up with their single friends.
There’s only one thing more frustrating than a bad first date – a great first date that leads nowhere!
If you’ve been single & dating for a while, its easy to focus too much on the first date – and not enough on what happens next.
Here’s exactly what you should do to turn a successful first date into a 2nd & 3rd date, and beyond:
- At the end of the first date: ask for a second date – you’ll never have a better chance!
- Right after the date: text them later that same day (or first thing the next day) and tell them how much you enjoyed yourself & that you’re looking forward to your next date.
- Within the next few days: text (or call) them and suggest a few options for your 2nd date – be sure to also say you’re open to their suggestions too.
- After the 2nd and/or 3rd date: if things are going well, keep the momentum going – be in touch soon after your dates with some suggestions for your next get together. Mix it up – once you’ve met a few times for drinks or dinner, suggest a walk along the seawall, an activity you’ll both enjoy (hiking, a trip to the aquarium, visiting a museum, etc.), or even a fun day trip to a local town or island.
- The next step: if things are going well, stop dating other people and focus on seeing this person exclusively. There are times to keep your dating options open (ie. when you’ve just started dating), but this isn’t one of those times. Focus!
Do you think your looks are the most important factor in attracting a partner? If you answered ‘Yes!’, you’re wrong.
Although looks do matter, it’s what’s beyond your looks that’s matters most for relationship-minded singles.
So put down your mirror & focus instead on these 5 proven chemistry-creating qualities:
- Confidence without arrogance: feeling self-confident is good. Feeling superior – not so much. Feel good about yourself, and make an extra effort to make the person you’re with feel even better about themselves. This creates a virtuous cycle of romantic success.
- Optimism: everyone wants to feel good, and being around people who see the glass as ‘half-full’ makes life feel that much better. Be that person he/she looks forward to seeing that makes their day complete. Here’s a hint – making others feel happy will make you happy too.
- Kindness: no matter what you look like on the outside, its your heart that matters most. Good looks, after all, will fade over time (yours and theirs). Show the person you’re with that you truly care – not just about them, but others too (yes, that includes the restaurant staff & even the taxi driver on the way to your date).
- Genuine interest: everyone wants to feel listened too – particularly if they’re looking for a relationship partner. Ask engagement questions, and practice active listening when you’re together. You’ll make a stronger impression by truly listening that you ever will by doing all the talking.
- True to your word: when you connect with someone new, you need to follow through. If you say ‘I’ll call you’ or even ‘let’s get together again’, then make it happen. If you can’t stick with your commitments when you’ve just met someone new, why would they think that you’re worth investing time in?