Monthly Archives: September 2019

8 Healthy Ways To Argue With Your Partner

Arguing with your partner is inevitable, right? But here’s what you didn’t know: its also healthy (if you do it in the right way).

A couple that agrees on everything might be a couple that doesn’t challenge each other. And conflict might lead to change, and even growth in your relationship.

But there’s a difference between couples that argue in a toxic way and couples that argue in a constructive way – and the latter, of course, is preferable.

Here’s 8 ways to disagree with your partner – without being disagreeable:

  1. They make the time to communicate in person: a study from Brigham Young University suggests that couples who argue and apologize over text aren’t nearly as happy in their relationships as those that communicate in person. In fact, a wealth of research also supports that in-person communication is key, as physical touch can build trust and nonverbal communication that can only be exchanged in person also helps partners to empathize with and mirror one another’s feelings.
  2. They think before they speak:  partners who think before they speak have an easier time articulating their feelings and expressing their concerns. Rather than blurting out their thoughts in a jumbled and overwhelming way, they’re able to clearly explain why they’re feeling the way they are, and how those feelings are impacting their overall wellbeing. Of course, this kind of effective communication helps the other partner to understand and empathize.
  3. They don’t place blame:  they say “i” instead of “you.” In other words, instead of saying “You make me feel inadequate in this relationship,” they say, “I feel inadequate in this relationship,” and they take ownership and accountability for their own feelings. When they present their feelings in this way, instead of placing blame, it’s easier for their partners to see their concerns because they’re not blinded by defensiveness.
  4. They practice active listening:  active listening refers to mindfully, attentively hearing and truly attempting to comprehend the meaning of the words spoken by their partner. Instead of just listening to what they say and taking it at face value, active listening means paying closer, they practice active listening by paying closer, deeper attention to the root of their partner’s concerns so that they can address them more directly. This also helps their partner to feel heard and understood, which, of course, helps the conversation go smoother.
  5. They mirror each other’s body language:  a ton of research suggests that mirroring other’s body language helps to establish rapport. Mirroring refers to the social phenomenon in which a partner mimics the other’s posture, gestures and words. Of course, mirroring their partner’s words helps their partner to feel heard. But by mirror their partner’s body language, they can actually get a better sense of how their partner is really feeling. That’s because psychological research tells us that adopting another person’s body language helps us to understand their experience from their perspective.
  6. They reflect on toxic patterns:  partners who have constructive conversations are able to reflect on toxic patterns — they can recognize and admit to the repeated issues in their relationship. This recognition helps them to trace and tackle why these issues keep coming up and, ideally, correct these toxic patterns.
  7. They’re present but think ahead rather than dwell on the past:  rather than dwelling on their past, couples who have healthy dialogue surrounding any conflict will look to their future. Instead of asking each other, “Why did you do this?” they’ll ask each other, “What can we do so that this doesn’t happen again in our future together?” After all, they know that the cost of rumination is a painful one. Research suggests that when you’re constantly over-thinking the past — in your own head seeking answers — you’re not actually pursuing goals, nothing is happening and you’re, ultimately, stuck.
  8. They don’t hold grudges:  holding grudges get nobody anywhere. While many couples may find themselves bringing up past issues in current arguments, mature couples will stick to the present. If they’ve forgiven incidents in the past, they won’t bring those incidents up again; what’s in the past is in the past. Besides, they understand that the emotional toll of holding a grudge can actually manifest physically — and that only exacerbates their situation.

5 Facts About “Chemistry” That You’ll Never Guess

Dating – it is sometimes said – comes down to one thing: “Chemistry”.

Do you feel it, do they have it, what creates it, will I ever find it?

Although chemistry sometimes feels like magic, it’s actually far more basic than that – a connection you feel with someone that goes beyond the physical.

Here are 5 facts you need to know about dating chemistry:

  1. Oh yes you can:  you can’t change the way you look, but you can change they way you act on a date. By creating more positive dating habits, you’ll make a better impression on your date, and increase the chances of a real connection even if there’s no immediate ‘wow’.
  2. Two kinds of chemistry:  short term and long term chemistry aren’t always the same – the short term kind works well for while (ie. extreme physical attraction), but the long term kind (which can grow over time) is more important in lasting relationships.
  3. You need it, eventually:  successful relationships need chemistry, but it doesn’t have to happen right away, and it doesn’t have to be ‘knock you off your chair’ chemistry (which can fade quickly anyway). If you’ve met someone interesting, give it enough time (ie. more than one date) to see if chemistry will develop .
  4. What’s inside matters:  if you find yourself growing more attracted to someone over time, its unlikely that you are just finding them better looking (although that’s what it feels like); you’re likely connecting at a deeper level which makes the person seem more ‘attractive’ to you.
  5. Not all connections need to be ‘the one’:  of course meeting someone special is the ultimate goal for most singles, but that’s not to say it’s the only desirable outcome from dating. If you do meet someone great, but just don’t feel that special ‘spark’, then consider friendship as a possible option. Although there may only be room for one ‘special someone’ in your life, you can never have enough friends.

4 Simple Questions The Most Likable People Ask On A Date

In dating, as in life, there is such a thing as trying too hard.

Yes, making an effort on your date matters – but when you try to over-complicate things, you can end up being a ‘turn-off’ for your date.

Your best bet is to keep things simple on a first date – here’s 4 questions to make you more likable and, therefore, more successful on your date:

  1. How’s your day?:  everyone likes to talk about themselves, and that means your date does to. Asking easy, open-ended questions gives them the chance to start a conversation about something they feel comfortable about. It also shows that you’re interested in them, which is exactly the image you want to project on a date.
  2. What do you think?:  having a two-way conversation on your date is an essential part of getting to a second and third date and beyond. Instead of just talking about yourself the whole time, find a fun subject that interests you both (movies, music, travel, etc.) and ask their opinion about it. This shows you respect their opinion, and respect is a very sexy quality.
  3. Why?:  asking follow up questions shows you’re date that you are listening to them, and actively interested in getting to know them better. Why do they love travel? Why did they choose their educational or career path? Why did they love that movie? Avoid more personal questions like ‘why are you single’ – there’ll be a time & place to ask that, but a first date is not that time.
  4. Would you like to catch a movie next week?:  the single biggest reason why first dates don’t go anywhere is because one or both people don’t ask for a second date. Don’t be that statistic. If the dates going well (even if it’s just going okay), ask them if they’d like to go on a second date. You’ve got nothing to lose but your single life.